the four letter word.

there are times where i don't think anybody will be ever be in love with me. maybe they'll want to sleep with me or have me around to be the obligatory crazy person who rolls their eyes and says bitchy commentary, but i don't think it's possible for anyone to be in love with me. not to say i'm not loved by many. but in love, romantically, is another story.  only one person i'm aware who has felt that way for me and they're not anymore and it has only been one person. all my life, nobody else has expressed a deep passion for me that i've actually believed. i don't expect to have a sea of desperate fish clinging onto me in a wave of blind infatuation, i just want to be appreciated. is that so hard? i'm not crazy, i'm actually quite stable and intuitive.  ha... i think.
god, the very thought of all this sickens me. who cares about love? seriously? it'll just fuck you over in the end. people with big hearts, endless compassion for certain others, and sexual desires only if there is a true connection--those people get hurt the most. i will never understand people who can just casually fuck each other. call me old-fashioned, but it's true, and hey, i fucking love sex! but it's got to matter.
i've had the yearning to change my ways, go on dates, maybe talk to a few people at once, but it simply is not me. i am 100% loyal into whomever i invest my time. i figure, my standards are already so high, i'm never going to date a fool. with this mindset, however, i drive myself into this volatile agony. should i entertain the inevitable course that fate brings? or should i attempt to change myself? i don't even believe in fate, really. things happen because they just fucking happen, and the problem is that we humans try to concoct up these reasons behind why things turn out the way they do, but it's just a never-ending shit show of haughty opinions and theories.
i don't know what's going on with my demeanor. there's a part of me that feels renewed and happy. i can't say i've felt this version of happiness before. coming from london, i felt at peace with myself. coming back from dallas, i feel uneasiness and insecurities that i swear i had completely obliterated. when i view my interactions with others from a bird-eye perspective, i see a genuine person. if anything, i'm genuine. and i've got enough integrity to feed a small village of baddies.
to veer subjects (somewhat), how can you have trust and faith in someone when they don't give you any reason to bestow such a sacred goodness to them? there's a question i've been circulating through my mental facilities as of late: would you rather be hurt by the person you love the most, or trust the most? it took me a while to come up with an answer.  and the answer is love, i'd rather be hurt by love than trust.  my reasoning? giving your trust to someone is pretty much the most precious goodness (i know, lame, but i seriously cannot think of any other word) you can give. and it insults your intellect, your sense of judgment, and your gut instinct when someone you trust hurts you. sometimes love is purely blind and you have no grip of ethical or logical reasoning behind it, that's why it is love. though it hurts, it somehow is able to get away with subtracting a stable answer.

"Why were you in love with them?"
"I don't know, I just can't explain it."
"Why do you trust them?"
"Because we've got an inner dialogue between us, thriving with connectivity."

now i'm rambling. i'm just trying to make sense of the foreign thoughts penetrating my brain. see? normally i'd laugh at the usage of the word penetrate, because i'm undeniably silly, but shit--i don't have a sense of humor right now.
going back to the interaction with others bit, i'm constantly surveying my behavior. how it comes off to others and how i feel about it. and i also ponder, would i want to have a friend like myself? yes, yes i would. because i am loyal. i will never leave a friend drowning in misery. with that said, i have to do what's best for my sanity as well.
i've lost the map with this blog entry--i'm stumbled upon many issues, and of course, never wading in them long enough to gain some feeling of closure with my words.
i guess at the end of the day, it saddens me that i'm human--that i feel human feelings and do human doings. how easy it would be if i didn't need the affection of someone. but i suppose that would be boring. and i'm far from boring.