do you think some people are just born chronically sad?
i feel very lonely right now, i can't explain it.
why is it so hard to be happy?  like, really, why?

i'm a bit pissed off right now.

and i just need to type it out.

okay so:
what the fuck, family? with everything that has happened the last 4/5 months, it is back to the same.  only a shitload of tears cried and money spent.  i finally get two jobs so i can earn some money for MYSELF because i'm 21 and about to graduate school and i'm already having to dip into my own savings to pick up after my less than responsible parents.  i have really tried to keep an open perspective on this, such as I'll do anything to keep my family together or It really could be worse BUT I AM ANGRY.  i feel used!  seriously, especially from my father.  i'm sick of his I'll take care of it, but could you spot Jordynne this month? bullshit.  it's fine, okay, i had to pay the internet and the water, yes that's fine, i do live there after all, but giving 200 dollars that i know i'll never get back just infuriates me.  it's not even the money or the amount of it (because it really isn't a lot), it's the fact that i have been pulled around from emotion to emotion, never got a vacation only so that the three of them could partake in one, i have been THERE for them.  and now that i earn some money for ME, i have to TAKE CARE OF THEM BECAUSE THEY CAN'T WIPE THEIR OWN ASSES.  i resent all of them.
and to top things off!!! my boyfriend thinks i'm prone to cheating!  it's WONDERFUL.

SERIOUSLY

FUCK

EVERYTHING

AT

THIS

EXACT

MOMENT

I TRY SO GODDAMN HARD TO BE A GOOD PERSON.

sometimes i want to give my poor heart a medal for feeling and caring so much.  i am NOT CRYING FOR HELP, I AM NOT A SENSITIVE BABY, I JUST WANT SOME ACTUAL RECOGNITION  TO HOW HARD I TRY TO KEEP MY FAMILY AND MY RELATIONSHIP TOGETHER.

i need to focus on the positive:

okay, here goes the countdown of good things to come.

7 days until we go to stratford-upon-avon

13 days until last day of classes & auditions

14 days until jordynne gets here

17 days until trip to brighton & future islands concert

27 days until trip to ireland for st. patty's day

53 days until shows go up

56 days until i go home to my loving family

(around-ish) 60 days until i am reunited with my smu family

and then...in july, i sign a lease with my sister to have the most awesome apartment ever

see? there are things to look forward to, definitely.

and yet, i still feel worthless.

it's okay to be sad on your birthday.
happy 21st sammy.

I am terribly unenthused at the moment.

OKAY, so I may be a little late in the game since this album came out in 2010, but OH MY GOD. Twin Shadow? Fucking raw as shit. The videos add this delicious sense of age; I feel like I'd be driving downtown at night with the windows down and one of his songs would be on the radio. If it were 1984.

Only two more weeks until I drive to Los Angeles. I am looking forward to it now that my trip to Dallas has already occurred. Many strange realizations were...realized on that trip--I'll tell you that much.

Lord, my underarm is itchy right now. I hate deodorant. On a side note, I think it's ridiculous how triumphant I feel when I free an ingrown hair.

Alright. Songs as of late:
Twin Shadow - Slow
Twin Shadow - Castles in the Snow
Outkast - Prototype
The Cure - Screw
The Beach Boys - Kokomo

It's a small playlist, but I quite love it.
That's all for now.
I need to draw a bee.

so this gal is taking a road trip to L.A. june 28th. can't wait.
well, i can't lie to myself...of course i wanted to go to lexington. of course i did.
but it would have been too hard (for obvious reasons.) so much history there. perhaps in the fall, i'll be able to go, but for now time apart is needed; things just would not work. so much cruelty has been said and things just need to dissipate. if we're meant to be friends, it'll happen.
veering back to my trip, though: this will be my first road trip without my parents. odd, huh? i've traveled everywhere in the states, but mostly with them!
STAY POSITIVE SAMMY. and finish your fucking awesome (so far) song.

i am so grateful for everything i have. in the end all you have is your family and your girlfriends. mommy, daddy, jordynne, tiffany, afomia, sudie, kristen, charlotte, no matter what, you are the greatest support and i know you love me. i love you too.  if times are ever rocky between me and any of you, i know there's unconditional love underneath it all.


anyway, to those who love me, thank you for giving me inspiration, listening to me banter about random things, and just being there. i unfortunately am not super woman, as i'd like to be, and i do have feelings, so i appreciate your understanding.  i am always there for you. if you need a shoulder to cry on, a passionate hug, some cigarettes to calm your nerves, or an impromptu photoshoot, or a good old bitching from me to your worst enemy, or a night drive, or a song, or a run to taco bell, or a back scratch/arm scratch, or SOMETHING, i'm here. suppressing things doesn't get anyone ANYWHERE. i've spent too much of my life trying to deal with all my feelings and bury them until they don't exist anymore but all it does is create bitterness. i don't get why i did it when i KNEW talking about something made me feel a little better. or crying it out. or something. but no, i had to be a robotic girl who never shed a tear or told anybody anything. well, what i've learned since being back from london is that your family is always there in your heart. whether they've untimely left you, or are miles away, or can't even communicate with you, they are in your heart. for people who complain that they have no one to talk to, yes you do. i bet your parents would be thrilled to talk to you person to person, no bullshit. and your parents will love you more than any lover will. of course it's different, i understand this--the quality of love is different, but the quantity will never be matched to those who brought you into the world. i hate kids, but i sure as hell can appreciate parents. and siblings. and those wonderful friends who were once strangers in our lives. isn't that absolutely nuts?

i know this whole entry is just one big hallmark card. but who cares. i mean what i say. i don't give bullshit answers or say low insults to someone just to get a reaction. i'm angry, i'm angry and exhausted. but i'm also trying to be better everyday and be grateful and be happy. i try to be happy, but my efforts haven't paid off yet.

i know my faults.
but i am not a bad person.
i do not take things for granted because in an instant, they can be ripped out of your life; they can gut you entirely and make you bleed until you ask for mercy. 


i hate to say this, but i don't think i'm capable of trusting a relationship for a very, very long time.

the four letter word.

there are times where i don't think anybody will be ever be in love with me. maybe they'll want to sleep with me or have me around to be the obligatory crazy person who rolls their eyes and says bitchy commentary, but i don't think it's possible for anyone to be in love with me. not to say i'm not loved by many. but in love, romantically, is another story.  only one person i'm aware who has felt that way for me and they're not anymore and it has only been one person. all my life, nobody else has expressed a deep passion for me that i've actually believed. i don't expect to have a sea of desperate fish clinging onto me in a wave of blind infatuation, i just want to be appreciated. is that so hard? i'm not crazy, i'm actually quite stable and intuitive.  ha... i think.
god, the very thought of all this sickens me. who cares about love? seriously? it'll just fuck you over in the end. people with big hearts, endless compassion for certain others, and sexual desires only if there is a true connection--those people get hurt the most. i will never understand people who can just casually fuck each other. call me old-fashioned, but it's true, and hey, i fucking love sex! but it's got to matter.
i've had the yearning to change my ways, go on dates, maybe talk to a few people at once, but it simply is not me. i am 100% loyal into whomever i invest my time. i figure, my standards are already so high, i'm never going to date a fool. with this mindset, however, i drive myself into this volatile agony. should i entertain the inevitable course that fate brings? or should i attempt to change myself? i don't even believe in fate, really. things happen because they just fucking happen, and the problem is that we humans try to concoct up these reasons behind why things turn out the way they do, but it's just a never-ending shit show of haughty opinions and theories.
i don't know what's going on with my demeanor. there's a part of me that feels renewed and happy. i can't say i've felt this version of happiness before. coming from london, i felt at peace with myself. coming back from dallas, i feel uneasiness and insecurities that i swear i had completely obliterated. when i view my interactions with others from a bird-eye perspective, i see a genuine person. if anything, i'm genuine. and i've got enough integrity to feed a small village of baddies.
to veer subjects (somewhat), how can you have trust and faith in someone when they don't give you any reason to bestow such a sacred goodness to them? there's a question i've been circulating through my mental facilities as of late: would you rather be hurt by the person you love the most, or trust the most? it took me a while to come up with an answer.  and the answer is love, i'd rather be hurt by love than trust.  my reasoning? giving your trust to someone is pretty much the most precious goodness (i know, lame, but i seriously cannot think of any other word) you can give. and it insults your intellect, your sense of judgment, and your gut instinct when someone you trust hurts you. sometimes love is purely blind and you have no grip of ethical or logical reasoning behind it, that's why it is love. though it hurts, it somehow is able to get away with subtracting a stable answer.

"Why were you in love with them?"
"I don't know, I just can't explain it."
"Why do you trust them?"
"Because we've got an inner dialogue between us, thriving with connectivity."

now i'm rambling. i'm just trying to make sense of the foreign thoughts penetrating my brain. see? normally i'd laugh at the usage of the word penetrate, because i'm undeniably silly, but shit--i don't have a sense of humor right now.
going back to the interaction with others bit, i'm constantly surveying my behavior. how it comes off to others and how i feel about it. and i also ponder, would i want to have a friend like myself? yes, yes i would. because i am loyal. i will never leave a friend drowning in misery. with that said, i have to do what's best for my sanity as well.
i've lost the map with this blog entry--i'm stumbled upon many issues, and of course, never wading in them long enough to gain some feeling of closure with my words.
i guess at the end of the day, it saddens me that i'm human--that i feel human feelings and do human doings. how easy it would be if i didn't need the affection of someone. but i suppose that would be boring. and i'm far from boring.