O D D I T I E S

i am so grateful for everything i have. in the end all you have is your family and your girlfriends. mommy, daddy, jordynne, tiffany, afomia, sudie, kristen, charlotte, no matter what, you are the greatest support and i know you love me. i love you too.  if times are ever rocky between me and any of you, i know there's unconditional love underneath it all.


anyway, to those who love me, thank you for giving me inspiration, listening to me banter about random things, and just being there. i unfortunately am not super woman, as i'd like to be, and i do have feelings, so i appreciate your understanding.  i am always there for you. if you need a shoulder to cry on, a passionate hug, some cigarettes to calm your nerves, or an impromptu photoshoot, or a good old bitching from me to your worst enemy, or a night drive, or a song, or a run to taco bell, or a back scratch/arm scratch, or SOMETHING, i'm here. suppressing things doesn't get anyone ANYWHERE. i've spent too much of my life trying to deal with all my feelings and bury them until they don't exist anymore but all it does is create bitterness. i don't get why i did it when i KNEW talking about something made me feel a little better. or crying it out. or something. but no, i had to be a robotic girl who never shed a tear or told anybody anything. well, what i've learned since being back from london is that your family is always there in your heart. whether they've untimely left you, or are miles away, or can't even communicate with you, they are in your heart. for people who complain that they have no one to talk to, yes you do. i bet your parents would be thrilled to talk to you person to person, no bullshit. and your parents will love you more than any lover will. of course it's different, i understand this--the quality of love is different, but the quantity will never be matched to those who brought you into the world. i hate kids, but i sure as hell can appreciate parents. and siblings. and those wonderful friends who were once strangers in our lives. isn't that absolutely nuts?

i know this whole entry is just one big hallmark card. but who cares. i mean what i say. i don't give bullshit answers or say low insults to someone just to get a reaction. i'm angry, i'm angry and exhausted. but i'm also trying to be better everyday and be grateful and be happy. i try to be happy, but my efforts haven't paid off yet.

i know my faults.
but i am not a bad person.
i do not take things for granted because in an instant, they can be ripped out of your life; they can gut you entirely and make you bleed until you ask for mercy. 


i hate to say this, but i don't think i'm capable of trusting a relationship for a very, very long time.