SHIT.

this is the second day i've missed movement IN A ROW.

I GOTTA WAKE UP!!!!!!

*superficial, petty post of the day

Are you prepared for the atom bomb?
Are you prepared for my aching arms?
Are you prepared?
Are you prepared?
Are you prepared for serenity?
Are you prepared to disagree?
Are you prepared?
Are you prepared for me?

i feel particularly dejected tonight.
i couldn't think of a better word to describe it.
according to the dictionary, dejected means to be affected or marked by low spirits.
yeah. that sums me up this evening.

i've really been putting all my effort into stage management. i only take breaks backstage when i know there isn't anything coming up because a) there are no props or b) i've already set them. i'm more than fairly confident that i make a damn good asm and would probably make an efficient stage manager (not that i ever, EVER want to do this again...), so i shouldn't be put down by silly little things called actors.

i know i'm sometimes a little harsh, but i by no means considered myself a cruel person. i'd like to think i was extremely fair and friendly to those who deserve it. i really do love the cast, but there is a certain sour someone that really throws me a little off my track. i'm not one to get my feelings hurt often, so when they do feel that certain pang, it's a tad bit shocking.

the grand thing is in the morning, i'll wake up completely free of these thoughts. that is...if i do well on this quiz in acting.

i've got to remember that my parents raised me on good morals and i need to learn to trust them.

fanfare.

some people need to remove the stick that is embedded into their rectum.

on a side note, it's a windy 51˚ today following the beautiful 72˚ yesterday and proceeded by the 35˚ tomorrow. i don't understand it. but, i guess one will never understand north texas weather.

my to-do list:
1) read The London Merchant
2) learn lyrics to Respect by Aretha Franklin (pretty easy)
3) rehearse with Derick and write a rehearsal report
4) memorize the last few lines of grip top sock
5) read The Great Depression
6) work on song with Adam
7) maintain friendliness with all people

body parts i treasure:

clavicles.

slender hands.

jawbones.

eyebrows.

cheekbones.

hip bones.

hi dallas.

back in good old dallas. i was welcomed by a fog so think you could barely see the street signs. now that, ladies and gentlemen, is a welcome that can't be beat. i adored it, i simply adored it! it's 12:43 am at the moment--my first class tomorrow is at 9:30. i doubt i'll get much sleep; i still need to put all my clothes away on hangers. oh how i wish i could just hang everything up. drawers can be a dreadful hassle. i'm currently listing to hauschka. what a beautiful artist; i strongly recommend to anyone who enjoys the occasional simple, modernist music. it fills me up with reassurance, listening to it does.

it's a wonderful thing to say that you're happy. i don't feel completely comfortable saying that statement as 100% genuine, but i am definitely making progress on the scale. for being the "glass half empty" human i am, i'm desperately holding on to the positive things in my life. perhaps this time i will not fool myself.

my tattoo is almost completely healed. it is still sensitive to the touch, but the for most part it stirs no trouble.

i feel like i'm truly making the adjustment into womanhood (as cheesy as that sounds.) i've always been an old soul even as a child, but recently i've noticed newly formed habits:

-taking my rings, watch, and earrings out every night

-wearing my silk robe

-keeping shoes in boxes

-maintaining perfect posture

-reapplying lipstick throughout the day

isn't it terribly silly? i should say so, but who cares!

family analysis.

i could care less how cliché this sounds, but i need to be more thankful for my life.

i'm getting an education, training, housing, food, and connections. i have a great relationship with james. i have little to no health issues. i am still so incredibly young.

whilst taking maxine for a walk outside, all the blood was leaving my hands and rushing to my head. the leash was cutting off circulation due to her pulling and leading the way. she obviously does not respect me--i'm never home, so why would she know to obey me? for all i know, i'm just another plaything in the house to her. anyway, i was thinking about my dad.

he's having a terribly hard time looking for a job. without a bachelors, so much isn't available to him. he has to take care of maxine, a 11 month old puppy (that my mother insisted on getting and doesn't take care of). she's chewing up the house. i know it's merely a phase for her, but my dad tries so hard at keeping the house in good shape. then he's got his mother. and 80-something nut who took over my room when i left for college in 2009. with her food, her pills, her pain, and her insanity, it ages my father to be her caretaker. he's the only son (out of 8 sons total) to make an effort. i commend him, i just wish my mother would feel the same way. having a rocky relationship with her own japanese mother, i detect a bit of jealousy thus leading to resentment in regards to my dad taking care of his mother. she can't stand her. she doesn't ever go into my grandmother's room to make small talk. it's as if she possesses a blind spot.

i just wish my mother was still in love with my dad. she clearly isn't, but she's too afraid to ever leave him. she never had a father, so this whole male dependence concept is too present in her conscience for her ever to leave him. i love her and i sympathize with her greatly about the hardships she's endured, but this cold, disgusted outlook on my father affects the way i perceive her. sure it's been going on for years, so i suppose this is just a broken record...but it saddens me to imagine that love isn't real for some people. she's a wonderful mother who is so precious to me.

kitty lips.

tonight you belong to me.

my dreams have been especially emotional this past week. they co-star people of my past and i wake up with this sense of wanting to reconnect with them--a peculiar, empty feeling. the people that i immerse myself around now are always substituted with other figures, even though they represent the same people. if that is clear. it probably is not.

it's 9 in the morning. if only i woke up this time every day. i mean, i suppose i do for class, but i'm saying i wish i voluntarily woke up at this hour. there's a certain something about the morning that i most certainly fancy.

maxine is making it especially hard to type. she's licking me and harassing the kitties and smelling my coffee. i absolutely adore her. you can tell her wooliness is starting to form. german shepherds are quite dazzling. i'm listening to a banjo right now and maxine is cocking her head back and forth, marveled that sound is coming out of my lap.

i feel a longing. i don't have longings for people often, so when they do occur, it takes me by surprise how much my heart can hurt.

my tattoo is in the peeling stage. i've been taking impeccable care of it, and now my dead skin is flaking off like corn husks. nasty, right? the color underneath is brilliant. this is definitely a sammy tattoo.

my thoughts are scattered, as it is apparent through the amount of paragraphs.

i'm ready to go back to dallas.

PLAYLIST FOR TODAY:

henry mancini - lujon

pet shop boys - what have i done to deserve this?

la roux - i'm not your toy

phillip glass - etude no. 2

the bird and the bee - tonight you belong to me

freedom tickler - hot tub

the outrunners - mirror shades

hauschka - brooklyn

hear hums - cerebellum

future islands - vireo's eye

beach house - white moon

i want to live somewhere rainy, drizzly, cloudy, overcast, damp, verdant, foggy, dismal, inclement, gray, crisp, atmospheric, bountiful--

ANY WORD TO DESCRIBE IT.