family analysis.

i could care less how cliché this sounds, but i need to be more thankful for my life.

i'm getting an education, training, housing, food, and connections. i have a great relationship with james. i have little to no health issues. i am still so incredibly young.

whilst taking maxine for a walk outside, all the blood was leaving my hands and rushing to my head. the leash was cutting off circulation due to her pulling and leading the way. she obviously does not respect me--i'm never home, so why would she know to obey me? for all i know, i'm just another plaything in the house to her. anyway, i was thinking about my dad.

he's having a terribly hard time looking for a job. without a bachelors, so much isn't available to him. he has to take care of maxine, a 11 month old puppy (that my mother insisted on getting and doesn't take care of). she's chewing up the house. i know it's merely a phase for her, but my dad tries so hard at keeping the house in good shape. then he's got his mother. and 80-something nut who took over my room when i left for college in 2009. with her food, her pills, her pain, and her insanity, it ages my father to be her caretaker. he's the only son (out of 8 sons total) to make an effort. i commend him, i just wish my mother would feel the same way. having a rocky relationship with her own japanese mother, i detect a bit of jealousy thus leading to resentment in regards to my dad taking care of his mother. she can't stand her. she doesn't ever go into my grandmother's room to make small talk. it's as if she possesses a blind spot.

i just wish my mother was still in love with my dad. she clearly isn't, but she's too afraid to ever leave him. she never had a father, so this whole male dependence concept is too present in her conscience for her ever to leave him. i love her and i sympathize with her greatly about the hardships she's endured, but this cold, disgusted outlook on my father affects the way i perceive her. sure it's been going on for years, so i suppose this is just a broken record...but it saddens me to imagine that love isn't real for some people. she's a wonderful mother who is so precious to me.