in two weeks...

...this girl is off to london.

i'm trying to make an unwavering point to journal my pre-departure concerns. i get to soak in two weeks of being home; it's safe to declare two weeks a perfect time at home.

yesterday i ate at my first hibachi grill. as we were browsing through the menu, a chef at another table had this entire performance prepared (i have to say, he knew what he was doing) and at the end, he tried aiming shrimp into people's mouths. i just so happened to look over and he totally hit this woman in the eye. i suppose i was in a giddy, delirious state from the night drive to san antonio, because this small moment struck me as the funniest thing ever. it was great.

anyhow, i put a jar of olive oil mayonnaise into my hair tonight, let it sit for about 50 minutes, washed it, pinned it, blow dried it, and BAM! SOFTEST HAIR EVER. i can't believe it. after all the shit i've done to it, this mayonnaise replenished my brittle, color-demaged, tangled dread-like curls to the light, bouncy ringlets they were once upon a time. fucking awesome.

okay i'm tired of writing.

lord have mercy i was a mega bitch today, i apologize!

mac sticky notes are a gift from god.

however, there is this mysterious sticky note that i don't remember writing.
it says:


these are the words i don't say, lego city


strange...
i wonder why i wrote it.

A strange sensation is emanating from my blood. I have been able to come to terms with this sensation with every year that it passes…not exactly to the point where I can embrace it, but I understand it’s there and that it will never dissipate altogether. This longing to be with good company, this longing to grasp onto the last juicy moments, this longing to know that there is no other way I’d rather spend an evening. As opposed to sitting in a cave where loneliness manifests into a restless slumber. Constant tapping. Constant checking. Reevaluating what I could have done differently. How I could have used my time more efficiently and symbiotically. I’ll ask myself, ‘Why do I wear shades inside?’ Or ‘What drives me to hate a person?’ Or ‘When will I stop caring?’ That is, if I stop caring. Let’s hope it never gets to that point. I feel lodged between two worlds, both dripping with attractions and death sentences. Doing something for myself or for other people. Selfishness versus selflessness. Most things I say don’t exactly make sense. But that’s the beauty of it all; it only has to make sense to me for me to take anything from it. If I remember why I wrote it. If I don’t remember why I wrote it then I’ll never know why I’m reading it to remember why I wrote it. Does that make sense? I know what this summer is going to entail. It’s going to be sulking and working and making money (hopefully) and wishing I could be doing something better. Because that is what it is always like…endless droning. Buzzing and puffing and swimming in circles. Letting slices in my flesh act as gills under a running faucet. Oozing pus when it turns that time in the 24-hour day when it is not night, nor day. Just hoping the sunset brings a different attitude with it then the one your vacant head possesses and obsesses over. Where whatever projects your 4 o’clock mind has started loses all motivation and importance. Where there isn’t a drop of coffee that your bloodstream could benefit from. Where you apply heavy make-up in hopes that your bloodshot and baggy eyes can camouflage themselves under the layers of artificial color. Where you feel the need to turn on the television even though the sound is like mosquitoes to your ears—but you need that feeling that something is on and you’re watching it. It’s in the background but you feel no great satisfaction. It’s the way of the world—to suffer. The only difference between me and an optimist is that I’m a pessimist. P E S S I M I S T.

I need to turn this into a play somehow.

arcade fire - no cars go

dionne warwick - walk on by

henry mancini - big band montage

naked eyes - always something there (to remind me)

adulterous.

today we had an acting candidate teach our section. a total blob of mixed emotions. as usual, i was the silent observer absorbing everything she was saying and trying to filter out what i thought was kosher and what wasn't. it so strange, but i felt like i, alongside all my other colleagues, were cheating on leslie. not only were we taking time out of her limited class, we're treating these candidates like royalty. which i suppose is alright...but i can't imagine knowing you're going to be replaced and seeing those who are the ones doing it. over the semester, i've grown to pinpoint leslie's faults and loose ends. trust me, i don't agree with everything that woman says--in fact, i think she can be very haughty at times (but who am i kidding, i get that way too)--however, she is knowledgeable, tough, and i never feel like she'll let me fall. with all this hullabaloo over our guests, i am becoming considerably more grateful that my class got leslie's last year.

feeling unfaithful is not a feeling i'm accustomed to. perhaps it will wash away this time next week. you never know.

SHIT.

this is the second day i've missed movement IN A ROW.

I GOTTA WAKE UP!!!!!!

*superficial, petty post of the day

Are you prepared for the atom bomb?
Are you prepared for my aching arms?
Are you prepared?
Are you prepared?
Are you prepared for serenity?
Are you prepared to disagree?
Are you prepared?
Are you prepared for me?

i feel particularly dejected tonight.
i couldn't think of a better word to describe it.
according to the dictionary, dejected means to be affected or marked by low spirits.
yeah. that sums me up this evening.

i've really been putting all my effort into stage management. i only take breaks backstage when i know there isn't anything coming up because a) there are no props or b) i've already set them. i'm more than fairly confident that i make a damn good asm and would probably make an efficient stage manager (not that i ever, EVER want to do this again...), so i shouldn't be put down by silly little things called actors.

i know i'm sometimes a little harsh, but i by no means considered myself a cruel person. i'd like to think i was extremely fair and friendly to those who deserve it. i really do love the cast, but there is a certain sour someone that really throws me a little off my track. i'm not one to get my feelings hurt often, so when they do feel that certain pang, it's a tad bit shocking.

the grand thing is in the morning, i'll wake up completely free of these thoughts. that is...if i do well on this quiz in acting.

i've got to remember that my parents raised me on good morals and i need to learn to trust them.

fanfare.

some people need to remove the stick that is embedded into their rectum.

on a side note, it's a windy 51˚ today following the beautiful 72˚ yesterday and proceeded by the 35˚ tomorrow. i don't understand it. but, i guess one will never understand north texas weather.

my to-do list:
1) read The London Merchant
2) learn lyrics to Respect by Aretha Franklin (pretty easy)
3) rehearse with Derick and write a rehearsal report
4) memorize the last few lines of grip top sock
5) read The Great Depression
6) work on song with Adam
7) maintain friendliness with all people