30 May 2012

the four letter word.

there are times where i don't think anybody will be ever be in love with me. maybe they'll want to sleep with me or have me around to be the obligatory crazy person who rolls their eyes and says bitchy commentary, but i don't think it's possible for anyone to be in love with me. not to say i'm not loved by many. but in love, romantically, is another story.  only one person i'm aware who has felt that way for me and they're not anymore and it has only been one person. all my life, nobody else has expressed a deep passion for me that i've actually believed. i don't expect to have a sea of desperate fish clinging onto me in a wave of blind infatuation, i just want to be appreciated. is that so hard? i'm not crazy, i'm actually quite stable and intuitive.  ha... i think.
god, the very thought of all this sickens me. who cares about love? seriously? it'll just fuck you over in the end. people with big hearts, endless compassion for certain others, and sexual desires only if there is a true connection--those people get hurt the most. i will never understand people who can just casually fuck each other. call me old-fashioned, but it's true, and hey, i fucking love sex! but it's got to matter.
i've had the yearning to change my ways, go on dates, maybe talk to a few people at once, but it simply is not me. i am 100% loyal into whomever i invest my time. i figure, my standards are already so high, i'm never going to date a fool. with this mindset, however, i drive myself into this volatile agony. should i entertain the inevitable course that fate brings? or should i attempt to change myself? i don't even believe in fate, really. things happen because they just fucking happen, and the problem is that we humans try to concoct up these reasons behind why things turn out the way they do, but it's just a never-ending shit show of haughty opinions and theories.
i don't know what's going on with my demeanor. there's a part of me that feels renewed and happy. i can't say i've felt this version of happiness before. coming from london, i felt at peace with myself. coming back from dallas, i feel uneasiness and insecurities that i swear i had completely obliterated. when i view my interactions with others from a bird-eye perspective, i see a genuine person. if anything, i'm genuine. and i've got enough integrity to feed a small village of baddies.
to veer subjects (somewhat), how can you have trust and faith in someone when they don't give you any reason to bestow such a sacred goodness to them? there's a question i've been circulating through my mental facilities as of late: would you rather be hurt by the person you love the most, or trust the most? it took me a while to come up with an answer.  and the answer is love, i'd rather be hurt by love than trust.  my reasoning? giving your trust to someone is pretty much the most precious goodness (i know, lame, but i seriously cannot think of any other word) you can give. and it insults your intellect, your sense of judgment, and your gut instinct when someone you trust hurts you. sometimes love is purely blind and you have no grip of ethical or logical reasoning behind it, that's why it is love. though it hurts, it somehow is able to get away with subtracting a stable answer.
"Why were you in love with them?"
"I don't know, I just can't explain it."
"Why do you trust them?"
"Because we've got an inner dialogue between us, thriving with connectivity."
now i'm rambling. i'm just trying to make sense of the foreign thoughts penetrating my brain. see? normally i'd laugh at the usage of the word penetrate, because i'm undeniably silly, but shit--i don't have a sense of humor right now.
going back to the interaction with others bit, i'm constantly surveying my behavior. how it comes off to others and how i feel about it. and i also ponder, would i want to have a friend like myself? yes, yes i would. because i am loyal. i will never leave a friend drowning in misery. with that said, i have to do what's best for my sanity as well.
i've lost the map with this blog entry--i'm stumbled upon many issues, and of course, never wading in them long enough to gain some feeling of closure with my words.
i guess at the end of the day, it saddens me that i'm human--that i feel human feelings and do human doings. how easy it would be if i didn't need the affection of someone. but i suppose that would be boring. and i'm far from boring.

27 May 2012

fuck sensitivity in the ass

23 May 2012

it’s very hard to describe your love for a pet to some people. i come across a lot of individuals who like their pets, but only a few rare ones who adore and unconditionally love them. i’ve had my little wolfgang (weezy) for about four and a half years. not nearly enough time to enjoy his shining presence. weezy’s always been a little slow, perpetually snotty, but his love and affection has always been unwavering. and the cat does not age!  he still looks like a kitten. constantly rolling around, stealing chips out of my hand, letting me dress him up. he’s the only cat i’ve met that isn’t terrified of the vaccuum cleaner or of ANY animal. in march, his snot/weezing behavior got worse and he was soon diagnosed with untreatable cancer of the sinuses. a large tumor has formed in the middle of his forehead, pushing and puffing his eyes apart to the point where he cannot see any more. the cancer has also eaten away the bridge of his nose and he can only breathe from his mouth, causing massive drooling. to see my poor baby undergo this disease is the most heartbreaking thing, because there is absolutely nothing that can be done for him. he has brought me and others so much joy; my only regret with him is that i didn’t take him to nursery homes or hospitals, because he truly has this remarkable charm to him. ask anyone who’s met him. he could have been the #1 therapy cat. and/or tv cat. he’s so fucking adorable.
the difficult and true trial of rationality has been deciding if we should euthanize him or let him slowly slip into an eternal slumber at home. honestly, i’m amazed he’s lasted this long—he’s a trooper. he has moments where he’s excited to eat, he runs down the stairs to greet people, and always seeks out the company of someone. but now, he’s started to hide. this was the point where i knew his suffering was becoming unbearable and it would be selfish to keep him any longer.  
i’m well aware that i’m describing weezy and his conditions as if he was a person, and that would totally freak some people out. but those of you who cherish your pets, i know you understand. 
weezy just turned five today and this is also my last night with him. 
i love you forever my little baby. 

late night stipulations

on paper, on facebook, on whateverthefuckyouwant, my life looks shiny and dandy.  i love being an actor, because i can fucking fool almost everybody that my life is indeed shiny and dandy.
i've got to have a sense of humor, or else i'd be the most melancholy person ever.  and i will NOT glorify the depressed artist stereotype.
the tricky thing is, my life really is great, if you think about it, but it's totally not at the same time.  that doesn't even remotely make any sense--i am well aware of that--but somehow it is my reality.
i've reached a strange point in my life, a point where i have shed off layers and grown new, thick, durable, wise skin. i'll tell you right now, i'm a hell of a lot smarter than i was even 6 months ago.  but my hunger for success has literally been infused in my soul like a goddamn tumor and it is all i can think about.  i don't want any of this petty lifestyle shit.  i am sammy fucking rios and i know i've got a fuckload of talent and insight and creativity that needs to be unleashed.  college is great, i don't regret one bit of it, but i can't say i'll be sad when i graduate.  it's time for a change in my life.  i just have to kill it this last year.  FUCKING KILL IT.

i know i've already bitten off more than i can chew for this fall semester, including:

-being a T.A. for a lower level theatre class
-taking an independent study with Will Power
-being in Crave
-directing How To Disappear Completely And Never Be Found
-being in DTC's Christmas Carol
-working in the recruiting office
-applying for a Meadow's Exploration Award
-directing Yours Truly

...lord, and this is before the semester has even started.  once it starts, things will only pile on.  i drive myself crazy with how much i do.  but i drive myself crazy with nothing to do.  the second one is worse.  obviously.
as far as matters of the heart go, i really need to be single for a while.  although i find comfort in the arms of a few lucky (yeah, i said it) people, it makes you appreciate it more when you don't constantly have that comfort.  also, i don't settle.  i don't waste my time.  and i will not have my heart broken again (not if i can help it.)  ha, i make myself laugh.  "i will not have my heart broken."  i have no right to say that; who the fuck HAS their heart broken by choice?

things i need to do/maintain:

-eat (as crazy as that sounds, waking up at 2 pm = no breakfast, no lunch, junk food that just meshes into beer and dinner, which brings me to my next point:)
-not wake up at 2 pm
-outline Yours Truly
-tone up my body
-keep in contact with those i care about (i'm bad about that.)
-keep trying to grow my hair out/NOT chop it off
-save up enough money for my trips to kentucky/florida/california
-GO THROUGH ALL MY FUCKING CLOTHES AND SELL ALL THE SHIT I DON'T WEAR
-crack down on music
-make a website for myself (procrastinating big time on that...)
-BE A BETTER HUMAN BEING

15 May 2012

sanctity.



bored in this city called san antonio
laying here
DECOMPOSING