13 October 2009

who knows.

The Things That I Don't Understand Are What Keep Me Going
i don't know what the fuck is going on through my head. i really hate these intense mood shifts from giddy as fuck to i don't want to talk to anyone. it's seriously like crossing over a barbed wire fence in two seconds, if that makes any sense. i came home this weekend for a small visit; it was nice, but it really didn't do anything for me. my dad said to me: "i'm sorry you didn't have the best visit possible." meanwhile my mother kept telling me she was trying to maintain a sort of homeostasis within her moods--perpetual content.
it's hard looking at your sister in the eye and telling her there are reasons the two of you are treated differently. i love her so much, so that's one reason it tears me apart to know that sometimes she can't stand to be around me because of something that's out of my hands. it's kinda like having a friend or sibling from your dad and your dad's mistress--you guys get along so well, but you can't get over the fact that they're from another mother. i guess that's kind of how it is, just on a smaller scale. i must say, my favorite time of this trip was when it was just the two of us, going about san antonio in my cruddy car, hydroplaning on the wet roads, and trying to navigate our way.
i didn't get to do what i really wanted to do. drive around like i used to. go to mud creek and listen to music like i used to. oh well. i guess there's time for that. it's hard getting time to myself living on campus and being surrounded by thousands of fuckwads.
completely off topic, but there's something about my pet bird that brings a sadness to me. i love her so much-i guess there exists some sort of guilt in me with her. i've had her for over ten years now, the second longest since chile, and maybe because she's so with it--so aware of her emotions, because she can recognize people, i don't know... i don't know what it is about her. if and when i lose her, i'll be crushed. but i won't think about that. she's got a lot of life to her. about 15 more years.
this wave of emotion i'm experiencing right now. i love it. even though i can't put my finger on it. it reminds me of how i was a few years back. i was so depressed (there's got to be a better term for that than depressed--so heavily overused). for some, the act of depression represents a numbness where they can't feel anything in them, for me-it lets me know that i can hurt. i don't know. i can't explain it. when i've tried before, people just reach the generalization that i like to be sad. which is way too broad, and way too inaccurate.


i want to cry my eyes out right now.
but i'm not going to.

the weather is perfect-rainy and cold. i'm playing cocteau twins in the house very loudly. i know my mother isn't too fond of it, but she's not complaining. i love this feeling. early in the morning, rainy, shoegaze, and my cup o' tea.
now i'm off to go get my drivers license renewed. and then to see my g-ma. and to come home and eat my mom's pesto. then to see herbie. and off to the airport.



i feel much better now.
refreshed.
this is what i needed.